Letter to Mr. and Mrs. Dervaes from Mr. Suckling
Copyright © Jules Dervaes
April 25, 1985
AMBASSADOR COLLEGE
PASADENA, CALIFORNIA 91129
|
HERBERT W. ARMSTRONG CHANCELLOR |
RAYMOND F. McNAIR DEPUTY CHANCELLOR |
April 25, 1985
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Dervaes:
I would like to thank you very much indeed for the letter which you sent to me. I received it on the 17th of April 1985 and appreciate your taking the time to write it. I would like to take this opportunity to briefly go over the history of this entire situation and set out on paper clearly the facts in this case.
First of all, let me say that I think that you do love each other very much and are striving to overcome whatever problems you may have. All marriages go through crises from time to time, and these have to be worked out.
I would like to mention for the record why I ended up counseling you. Mr. Carrol Bryant, who is a very good friend of yours and a Local Elder of the Church, came to Mr. Greg Albrecht at a time when there was much friction in your marriage. Apparently you, Mrs. Dervaes, had “hit bottom.” Apparently you felt that you wanted to walk out of the situation, that you had hurt your husband so much that you were confused and bitter and couldn’t do what you perceived was required as a Christian.
As a result of this situation, Mr. Albrecht felt that immediate action was necessary and requested that you counsel with the ministry. Because he was extremely busy, he asked me if I could counsel with you to assess what the problems were.
As you, Mr. Dervaes, are a student at Ambassador College, you and your family naturally come under the ministry of the College, as far as spiritual matters are concerned. Hence, the meeting which was arranged on the 28th of March 1985. (Subsequent meetings were held on the 1st and 9th of April.)
At that time, we sat down and endeavored to discuss what the nature of the problem was. Before I go any further, I would like to point out the ministry’s attitude behind such counselings, as made clear in II Cor. 1:24, “Not for that we have dominion over your faith, but are helpers of your joy: for by faith ye stand.”
It is with this in mind that I would like to make the following observations, as a result of the first counseling and the subsequent counselings. I wish to further mention here that these observations have not been reached hastily, but have been as a result of the combined input of Mr. Bryant and Mr. McNair. In addition to this, much time, consideration and prayer was given to this very important subject.
At the very beginning of the counseling, I made the statement that I understood you had a marriage problem. You, Mr. Dervaes, replied that you did not have a problem, that your wife did. That you both questioned her conversion and would like to discuss whether or not she was converted. I pointed out that if a wife has a problem to the point of walking out then the husband also has a serious problem on his hands.
Mr. Bryant and I concluded that indeed Mrs. Dervaes was converted and did have God’s Holy Spirit. This is an initial conclusion based on the evidence which was available at the time of the discussion. The fact that Mrs. Dervaes has been willing to battle on for many years under certain trying circumstances demonstrates a converted attitude. It appears that there have been many “problems” for her to battle with over the years of the marriage, and this has not been conducive to her demonstrating the fruits of God’s Spirit as readily as she might have in other circumstances.
However, I would like to point out at this time that, yes, you, Mrs. Dervaes, do have a problem, but we feel, Mr. Dervaes, it stems from your lack of understanding of the proper role and relationship of a husband in a marriage. In addition to this, a lack of understanding in treating your wife as “the weaker vessel.” “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered” (I Peter 3:7).
It is clear to us that Mrs. Dervaes was wrought up to the point of walking out of the family home and under tremendous pressure. Naturally, we do not want to see this happen and are gravely concerned about the situation.
It is our opinion that Mrs. Dervaes is being pushed too much by her husband and needs more “elbow room” in order to be an individual. It is the man’s responsibility to do the business area of a marriage, and its major communications. Apparently, it is the habit of you, Mr. Dervaes, to have your wife do all of the communication in business matters, rather than taking the lead when things get difficult. Then you criticize your wife for not doing things in the manner which you desire. This obviously creates a great deal of tension for her.
Next, we understand your preference for teaching your children at home and have no comment on that except to say that such a situation creates a tremendous burden, principally on the one doing the teaching, i.e., Mrs. Dervaes. We wonder whether or not Mrs. Dervaes is strong enough at this time physically and emotionally, to cope with such a situation, having four children under the age of 10. This in addition to having recently moved to Pasadena and living in a home which has much need of repair and renovation.
It is also apparent that you, Mrs. Dervaes, are easily influenced and do not make up your own mind on certain things and stick to them. We feel that you misunderstand the biblical injunction of Eph. 5:22, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” There are times when a husband should submit to the will and desires of his mate, as indeed Eph. 5:21 makes clear: “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.”
I would again like to reiterate that we are not here to force counseling upon you in any way, shape or form, but merely wish to point out that from our many years of experience we conclude that a major problem exists in your marriage and that you need counsel and advice.
I would like to encourage you both to follow the admonitions in the book of Proverbs (Prov. 12:15, 15:22, 19:20 and 20:18) that you seek out, listen to, and follow good advice. I would personally like to encourage you to do this. Help is at hand, but it is up to you whether or not you wish to accept it.
Sincerely,
[Signature on file]
Arthur O. Suckling
cc: G. Albrecht; C. Bryant; R. McNair
(NOTE: This letter to Mr. and Mrs. Dervaes at the end of their 1985 counseling session is Mr. Suckling’s assessment based on faulty and incomplete knowledge and biased by his prejudice against any Christian who behaved as an adult.)